so i know that it is the first rule with guys… but it still constantly drives me up the wall when i realize how true it is… they only want what they can’t have. So everything’s great with the boy, but it’s slowed down a bit… the sex is less frequent and less wild, and the hanging out has become more domestic. It’s nice, no fighting to speak of, but i can definately feel the boredom. It might be my boredom, but I can definately tell that he’s less enthralled with me than he used to be.

It’s so fucking annoying that girls have to come up with new ploys to keep their boyfriend’s attention time and time again throughout the relationship. Oh well… i know the drill. I’m just going to have to play hard to get until we go out this weekend, and then look hot and give him everything I know he wants and loves… after he pursues me and gets it.

i wonder if guys know how predictable they are? it’s really sad… of course i’m sure they feel the same way about us. i need a hug and maybe some flowers and then i’m smitten.

sigh. i love him so much. I hope that I can always keep him entertained and interested…

…. it was so hard to get out of bed this morning. sometimes i really do wonder if i’m bipolar, i’ll be bouncing off the walls one day, and then the next i’m wracked with sobs and throwing up and unable to sleep… i could barely pull myself out of bed today. this is miserable.

I hate that I threw up last night… i know that it makes absolutely no difference in terms of weight, it’s the worst possible eating disorder to entertain… but i couldn’t let that food stay down in there. i hate the way i look more than anything in the world right now. i just look so vile… but then again, i don’t think this has made anything any better – my face is so puffy & as usual, i burst a blood vessel in my eyelid. ew.

i’m going to try to get back into dieting via healthy means… it’s just so hard when you’re not getting results.

i feel like i’m watching my life spinning out of control… it’s like i’m watching a movie, but i’m finding it totally boring, and couldn’t be less concerned about it. i’m just totally blah right now. it’s like i’m on valium or something. ugh. i need to jolt myself back to life somehow… but what’s worth living for when you feel like this and when you hate everything that makes up who you are? 

oh jesus christ… i have gone out to one outrageous dinner after another for the past few days, and i don’t think i’ve ever felt so completely bloated and disgusting… not to say that it wasn’t worth every last calorie. The food was amazing, the restaurants were gorgeous, and the boy was a dream. of course, now that i look like a blimp and have resorted to wearing a shift dress that could double as maternity wear, i’m having some regrets.

I’m going to be a workout/diet nazi today… drinking jugs of water with lemon juice as we speak, and i’m having a fruit salad for lunch. I had a 2 hour cardio workout on sunday that felt amazing, so i’m going to duplicate that tonight. 1 hour on the stairmaster, 30 minutes on the elliptical, 30 on the bicycle… it’s a good excuse to watch The Hills for 2 hours straight too!

I saw this photo of Amanda Hearst in her new ad campaign… she’s so gorgeous and upscale. absolutely the look that i always end up being drawn to. Try as I might to be the cool ‘downtown girl’… i’m a park avenue princess at heart and I love the look of Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn more than anything else! There’s such an elegance and polish to this photo…. she looks fabulous (and so thin!)

well that will help with my motivation….

I hope that my puffiness from all the food goes down by tonight. The boy is coming over and my body needs to look (and feel) good… we haven’t had a night alone in so long. I’m excited…. xoxo

this is what i’ll look like my next trip to the beach…. yeah right. beautiful though right? despite being completely unrealistic. xoxo

it’s so weird… i feel like i’m the only one in the world who experiences this, but some days i’m madly in love with the boy… and then other days i like him a lot, but there’s just no spark. it’s so frustrating.

i guess it’s because we’re like a year into it and some days work, hunger, exhaustion, etc, overshadows the excitement of being in love. oh well. i know that i’m happy with him, so i’m not going to over think it. i hope tonight is a night with sparks! fingers crossed…

 also, i’m kind of nervous…. i’m having dinner with his parents this weekend. such pressure. i know they like me, but i see them so rarely that it’s still scary. it makes me so self conscious about the way i look. i really want them to think i’m pretty. why is that so important to me? i’m really nervous about it…. i’m going to go to the gym tonight & then do a “spa” night… self tanner, face mask, etc.

ok, back to work! xoxo

I think Julia Stegner is the most beautiful model around…. like a blonde audrey hepburn.

sigh.

I absolutely ADORE Michael Kors… this year more than ever…. is more perfect design even possible?

xoxo